I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
