hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
