You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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