I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
