Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize