You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
