recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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