I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
