Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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