i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
