I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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