i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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