Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Are my feet made of real feet?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
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