I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
