my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
