Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
