Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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