Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize