i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Houston, we have a squirter
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
