did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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