My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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