community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
