he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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