Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
