pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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