if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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