whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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