you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
