you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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