Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
