Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
