Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
