Where did you get a picture of my penis
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
