Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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