Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
