i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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