I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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