He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
