My Higher Power is John Stamos
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
