Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
