You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
