So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
