I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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