I will die if light touches me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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