watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wear drunk well.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
