I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
