I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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