Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
