Your mouth is God's brothel.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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