You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
