i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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