he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
