I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i think i just lost a toe
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
