I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
