I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Someone signed my nipple.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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