Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
