I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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