Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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