I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
only you would photoshop your dick
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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