That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
