SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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