i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
