And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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