It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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