Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
