Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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